Signed and Sealed

I finally did it.

After years of doubts and uncertainties and months of separation and reflection, I finally signed the annulment papers - or at least signed the case papers that will be filed by my lawyer within the week. God knows how long the processing will take, but at least I know it will be working its way up within the justice system already. I'm just crossing my fingers that it won't get into the hands of some happy-go-lucky money-hungry judicial aide who happened to hate Chinese. :P

Some of you might be wondering how I'm feeling right now. I tried to find one word that will sum it all up, but I can't. My emotions are all jumbled up inside. After a while, I was actually quite surprised to find tears streaming down my cheeks. I didn't imagine that I would still feel pain now because this had been the result of a long and thorough thinking process, but nevertheless, I can't help but still be affected by it.

Despair. Will I ever find love again? Will love ever find me again? Will I ever learn to trust someone again?

Doubt. Am I doing the right thing? Am I sure that the marriage wouldn't have worked out eventually? Maybe I was just too selfish and demanding. Maybe I set impossible standards. Will I be able to raise my child well even without the normal family structure? Does true love and happily after really exist?

Anger. Why is life so darn difficult? Why do I need to go through so many trials before finding happiness? Why can't the world be perfect? Why me? Why not pick on the bad people? Why me?

The internal conversation I had with Somebody-Up-There was definitely not rated PG13. I now cringe at how awful my thoughts were. But those are the actual emotions running through my head.

Eventually, this is what I hope to be feeling.

Forgiveness. Life is too short to be filled with anger. Forgive and forget. I pray that I will have peace of mind and contentment.

Hope. This is the road to a new beginning. My dreams will come true, as long as I believe. I will count my blessings. I have faith that it will turn out for the best. Life is still good.

Trust. There must be a good reason for everything that has happened. I trust in what God has planned for me. I trust in the goodness of people's hearts. I trust that love will find its way back to my life again.

No matter how right the decision may seem to be, you can never be too sure. And there will always be a part of you that would have died along with the separation. You can never bring back the initial wonder and innocence that you once had, no matter how hard you try. You may have learned to laugh again or to trust people eventually, but it takes time and patience.

But along with the trials and challenges, you will emerge a better and stronger person. You will always learn something new about life and about yourself in every situation that you encounter. And that, I guess, makes life interesting.

Am I alright? Not yet. But I know I will be, somewhere, somehow. Thanks for asking. :)